Pause Print

Have you ever done or said something hurtful and then tried to make it better, only to make it worse with each attempt?

Recently, my tact for putting my foot in my mouth led me to hurt someone, make them feel less than, and punished, for circumstances beyond their control.

In true Bozo fashion I made it worse with my apology. Alright…alright…there was more than one apology! I can’t fathom being responsible for another’s hurt and I go overboard. I’m trying to break the habit…certainly not proud of it.

There was also more than one reason my apologies were ineffective, leaving both sides feeling appalled…

First, I had all these questions running through my head:

“but, why aren’t they making an effort to consider where I’m coming from?”,

“why am I the only one making an effort to understand?”,

“but, there’s so much more to me than my saying something insensitive”,

“Ugh…this is so difficult, can I just not face this and disappear instead?”,

“Should I be apologizing for expressing what I was going through in the moment?”

Epic fail number two was the compulsion to explain myself and make sure I was being understood in a particular way. Some part of me wanted them to acknowledge that they knew I did not mean to hurt them.

In all fairness I could have taken a step back to evaluate where my thoughts were coming from and the resulting impact. Alas, we can’t take our words back!

As the days roll by my mind presents new episodes of “Here’s another thing you didn’t consider…” and sure enough I feel more terrible than before, now running at Level 11.

But, here’s the thing, when I was apologizing with all those questions in my head and trying to make myself understood I was not focusing on what the other person was feeling and how they were hurt. It was a half- apology that made a bad situation worse.

Reminder: There’s just one rule and it is simple. If somebody expresses to you that you’ve hurt them, put your ego aside and apologize. They are going to have their own experience of what you said or meant to say. Do not try to diminish that with justifications.

On the flip side of that, when somebody is apologizing, this is a reminder that mistakes happen. Some are unfortunate, and we learn from them and grow. Having been on this side this time, I now recognize the power of the words “I understand…” or “I’ll try to understand…” in validating one’s experience and facilitating a conversation aimed at bridging the gap.

Message to Self: Pause before you Print.

Pause before you print, apologize without explaining and attempt to understand the other’s point of view all sound good and sensible on paper and will be in practice too. But, the biggest thing I’ve been struggling with is – forgiving myself. Because, regardless of whether the apology is accepted or not, I spend time with my thoughts every day.

Getting better at allowing myself the space to make mistakes and learning from them is probably going to be the most important part of this experience for me.

This post puts some of my “yet to be improved” bits on display and was difficult to write! But, I started this blog to embrace the rawness of my journey, and here I am.

~ Yours Rawly,